Hi all, your friendly neighborhood blogger with binge-eating disorder here. It’s eating disorder awareness week, which I honestly didn’t remember until something on Facebook reminded me about it- that might show you how connected I am to the larger community (oops).
There are a lot of posts floating around out there with titles like “15 things people with eating disorders HATE” and “thin-shaming vs. fat-shaming– which is really worse?”. That is not the kind of awareness I want to bring to you this week.
I lived in fear of developing an eating disorder as a teenager. I never really felt great about myself– I was a nerd with acne and braces who tended to vacillate between pant sizes with each passing season. But I breathed a sigh of relief every time I looked up the criteria for eating disorders on the internet, or sat through a lecture about the dangers of bulimia (“when you eat a lot and then throw up”) and anorexia (“when you don’t eat until you starve to death”), because I hated throwing up, and I ate regular meals. I boasted proudly that I would never develop an eating disorder- I couldn’t, in fact, because I liked food too much. Each time I ate an entire family size bag of potato chips in one sitting, and then wondered whether it was bad that I hated myself or wished I was thinner I would remind myself of this faulty logic- that disordered eating was defined by two kinds of very specific behaviors, and had little to nothing to do with state of mind.
Bulimia nervosa and Anorexia nervosa are two eating disorders that can be very severe, even life-threatening, and are worth knowing the signs and symptoms for. I don’t want to mistakenly present the idea that they don’t matter. However, either through willful ignorance about my situation, or because bulimia and anorexia were the only eating disorder options I was ever presented with, it somehow escaped my attention that I had, and have, a serious problem with food and body image. Binge-eating disorder was added to the DSM in 2012, and this addition was what led me to finally determine that it was perhaps possible that I could maybe have some sort of eating problem (potentially). The first time I can clearly recall eating too much because I was anxious and then feeling bad about myself was in 2000, when I was only eleven years old. That was twelve years of adolescence, habit-forming, identity, brain and body development- all occurring parallel to this psychologically, and often physically damaging, destructive, and secret behavior.
I can’t get those twelve years back. I don’t get to go back in time and find out what I would have done, or how my life might have been different if I had known sooner, been treated sooner, recovered sooner. All I know is that I don’t want this to happen to anyone else.
What I want you to know this week is that I had an eating disorder for twelve years and no one knew, not even me. (my parents still don’t know).
I want you to know that I’m not the only one who has had this experience. I want you to know that not everyone with an eating disorder is a ballet dancer or a 14-year-old girl. People with eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes.
I want you to know that men can develop eating disorders- so can people in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s… etc. People of all ages can develop eating disorders because, well, everyone has a brain, and America is obsessed with the way people look.
I want you to know that if you look in the mirror, step on the scale, or otherwise reflect on yourself and hate what you see, that’s not normal. There are people, places, services, helplines, and medications that can help you.
I want you to know that it’s possible to receive help without ever holding a feelings stick or taking up yoga (but you can also do those things if you want).
I want you to know that no one can force you to eat anything you don’t want to eat (or not eat anything you do want to eat). You are the only one in control of what you do with your body. Easier said than done, I know. But it’s true.
Mostly importantly, I want you to know that having an eating disorder sucks, but it’s much easier to get through when you’re not alone. I’m really grateful to my friends, the few family members who are in the know, my therapist, and to my internet community for making me feel like it was ok to talk about this, and that struggling with disordered eating sometimes doesn’t make me a weak or bad person. I hope that if you’re reading this and you feel alone, that you’ll be able to build a similar community around yourself.
Some resources:
National Eating Disorders Association (lots of good info, plus a symptom-checker and helpline)
Eating Disorder Hope (advocacy and information)
Binge Eating Disorder Association (more detailed information about binge-eating disorder, the most common eating disorder in America)
The National Association for Anorexia Nervosa and Associate Disorders (more detailed information about Anorexia)
The Emily Program (premiere MN-based eating disorder treatment center with sites in OH, PA and WA)
weary traveler 