One of the most maddening things I’ve experienced since starting eating disorder recovery is the frequency in which people, especially women, put down themselves and their bodies in everyday conversation. I’ve taken part in this apparently normalized activity myself, but it was only when I sought treatment that I realized how pervasive– and impossible to avoid– it really is.
Being in therapy for anything includes periods of being emotionally exhausted. Much time is spent actively thinking about new coping strategies you’re supposed to be trying out but are still awkward and unfamiliar. Adults are not good at learning new things. We want to jump in and be perfect, and we hate looking stupid. Re-learning how to eat was particularly humbling, since it is something all of us have been doing since birth. I found myself occasionally looking around and thinking, “was I sick the day everyone else learned about this?”
When I first started eating disorder treatment, I spent most of my day repeating the same mantras: “food is fuel”, “you need to eat lunch, goddamn it”, “your body is the shape it’s supposed to be” “it’s ok to make mistakes, you’re a human”. After over a year of hard work, I don’t need to think as actively about changing my mindset– habit has set in, and I can focus on thinking about other things. Which is glorious. I do, however, still try to avoid situations that will make me feel bad. As it turns out, this is basically impossible– and one of the main culprits is the workplace.
I have written about this many times before, but was still astounding to me to realize how apparently expected it is for women to casually hate on themselves in the workplace. This exchange occurs between friends and coworkers, between boss and employee, and between random strangers in passing. You cannot opt out, at least not in a female-dominated workplace in Minnesota, without making a scene or making people feel bad. I try so hard to steer the conversation to neutral topics, but the self-deprecating and destructive body and food talk still comes at me. Some examples of some unsolicited body- and food-shaming that have been hurled in my direction:
- Former boss to me, re: a recent vacation: “It was an all-inclusive so obviously we were just eating and drinking the whole time. I probably gained 15 pounds in a week, I was so stupid. so, obviously I’m dieting now”.
- Everyone who has ever been near baked goods: “Oh NO, someone brought in BROWNIES- I have to have one, but I shouldn’t… I’m so bad.” *15 minutes of eating baked gods and discussing how bad they are*
- Coworker: “Ugh, I’m so fat. You look great!”
- Coworker, while eating some kind of dessert food: “I’m only eating this because I’m going running later”
- Former Coworker as I was eating brownie #2: Oh wow, another one, huh?
- Coworker: You haven’t had any of my brownies. Why haven’t you had any? There are so many left, you have to have one. Come on, take one.
- Coworker: Lean Cuisine is how I’m going to get rid of these cankles.
- Former coworker re: another coworker: “Oh my god I hate her, she’s so skinny, it’s not fair”
- Former boss, eating a breakfast sandwich: “I have no business eating this”
A classic theme is “you’re lucky you’re young” and its cousin, “just wait till X happens when you’re older”.
- Co-worker: “Enjoy wearing skirts while you’re still young; I have these rolls now [points to stomach] so nothing looks good anymore”
- Random person I’ve never spoken to: “Enjoy your youth and good skin!” (seems innocuous except when you’re broke, depressed, battling an eating disorder and reflecting on 10 years of bad acne and the scars they left behind)
- Former coworker: “Johanna, you’re young- come eat some cookies. I brought them in from home because I just can’t have them around anymore.”
- Former coworker #2, as I was eating a cookie: “You’re so lucky you’re young. Those go straight to my hips”.
- Coworker: “Now, we’re counting on you to finish these because you’re young and you won’t put on any extra weight” (not true; also fucked up).
- Random person I passed in the bathroom: “*Sigh* I remember when I could wear dresses”
You get the idea. None of these people know about my history, but I don’t think that should matter. Eating disorders and body image issues are extremely common. If hearing these kinds of things is driving me crazy, it’s almost certainly getting to someone else, too. Probably some of the main perpetrators of these whack statements are privately wondering why everyone is obsessed with weight loss and baked goods.
“But Johanna”, you might be thinking, “don’t you want to be a counselor? Shouldn’t you be able to handle this?”
In a word: no. Counselors have office hours. Counselors have self care plans. Counselors teach people coping strategies. Counselors get to debrief with each other. Counselors are wearing their work hats. Even when I’m crisis counseling I don’t generally talk with people about disordered eating unless I’m feeling ok that day.
At work, where I am not a counselor, I am just trying to do my job and get through the day. I don’t like people putting their shit on me when I’m not prepared for it. And there is so much shit being put out there by people (especially women) who are told that they should hate themselves for myriad reasons. I can’t take on all of it. So if you’re reading this and you agree it’s fucked up, please– help me out. If you feel really bad about yourself or the way you look or the way you eat– go talk to a professional about it. You deserve to stop feeling like shit. I’d much rather help you find someone to talk to than listen to you bash yourself.
If you think you feel ok about yourself– please pay attention to how you talk about food, your body, other people, and their bodies. If it’s mostly negative– think about why that might be. Try to change your habits or pick other, more interesting things to talk about. Pay attention to how other people do it, too. Call them out on it… or ask them if they’re ok. I need your help, internet.
I will end this post with an official decree:
I hereby give everyone who has no other medical reason to avoid them permission to eat baked goods when they are near you and free. I also give you permission to not eat baked goods if you don’t really want to eat them. Last, I give everyone permission to stop bringing goddamn baked goods to work, since they seem to stress everyone out.
weary traveler 